Rants of a broken heart

I loved him from the very core of my being. There was not a day that went by that I didn't think of him, dream of him, wish for him. I would have given anything to be in his arms, to be his forever. Sneaking around just to be able to hear his voice wasn't enough it was like thirsting to death day after day and only being given a drop of water on the tip of my tongue. Everytime we talked he told me how much he loved me and distance could never change that and I knew he was telling the truth. I also knew that I didn't want him to hurt like I was hurting. He was in a whole new world where he could go to a real school, play sports, go to prom I couldn't let him not experince life just because I was still in the bubble. About a year after he left I told him I didn't mind if he went to prom and dated and at the time I said it I really didn't mind. However, I quickly began to mind when I saw pictures of him smiling happily with another girl. I didn't have to worry about her for long though, she buried herself when she gave him the ultimatum of me or her. I mean duh did she really think he would pick her.

Breaking Rules....

The hardest part about my love and his family leaving was having to sit and listen to service after service of their name being trashed and having everything his mother and father ever sought counsel for being aired to the congregation. 12 and a half years they were at the church with us; learning, working, and growing along side us but it didn't matter because once you leave your nothing and anything good you did for the church never happened. Unable to abide by the laws which governed the church after a few months we began talking again. The very first time I spoke to him after he left I was consumed with guilt. I wanted desperately to talk to him but the thought of going to hell terrified me. You see talking to him was a sin and people who sin go to hell simple as that. Somehow this was such a huge sin I mean clearly we had been sinning all along but talking to the fallen was inexcusable. Talking to someone who turned their back on us meant you were a traitor. However, growing up I sacrificed countless friendships for my church and my relationship with him wasn't something I was willing to sacrifice.

Cause of death: Broken Heart

I now understand how it is that someone can die from a broken heart because I once was so close to death I could smell it. My heart literally ached and I welcomed the grave at one point in my life. I remember like it was yesterday, standing in the hospitality area of our church and recieveing my sentence of 6yrs to life. It was the day he told me his family was moving 10 hours away. As soon as he said it before I could even form a proper responce a dark cloud began to fall and everything looked dim. It was as if it was the middle of the night in the afternoon. No matter how many lights I turned on or how much I looked at the sun, the world through my forever tearfilled eyes was dark. In our church growing up when someone left the church that meant you had to excommunicate them. So I knew that him leaving would mean our relationship would not just be long distance but it was over.

True to form, always my rock, he held me for the longest time and let me weep on him. The weeks and months that followed were some of the most difficult weeks of my entire life. It was like he had died and I was mourning his death. I layed in bed countless hours every single day just so I could dream of him. Every single time I slept I dreamt of him and that was better than living in reality because I wanted to be wherever he was and at the time he was only in my dreams. My siblings often joke and say I hibernated for a year missing out on eating, socializing, and just plain living. I went into serious depression the day my love walked out of my life but never my heart.  

More than puppy love

Our families were friends: our mothers were friends, our fathers were friends, our siblings were friends. It was hard to ever be alone just the two of us since our families were friends. We grew up in a very strict church; dating was deemed of the devil, any type of physical affection toward the opposite sex was prohibited, and engaging in recreational activities was not allowed. Yet, somehow the two of us always managed to old hands when no one was looking, give a comforting hug when the other was having a bad day, and of course being a teenage boy somehow even in a house or car full of people his hand would explore. He was just reminding me a few weeks ago that I almost broke his hand in the car one afternoon when he was getting a little to adventurous :) 

I remember every little thing.I remember the intense heat I felt the very first time he touched me as we sat on the couch watching a movie. I remember the feeling of awe and sheer excitement the very first time our lips met as I sat on the top step of his home. I remember my favorite seat in the whole world being his lap. He always carrys on about how he was trying to be good and mind his own business while working on our ranch and I was always trying to get him in trouble. It didn't matter where he was on the ranch without even asking anyone I was always able to go straight to him as if he was metal and I was a magnet being pulled to him. If I hadn't experienced such love if he hadn't shown me true love I would never believe such a thing exists. He told me the other day the only reason I loved him is because our world was so small and the bubble we lived in consisted of so few people that he was my only option but that's not true: and even if it is and he was the only one I could have had I couldn't be happier that it was him with which I was stuck in the bubble.      

The phone

At the ages of 14 and 15 we talked on the phone every single day for typically about 3 to 4 hours. We told each other everything. We talked about hopes, dreams, parents, and much much more. I remember both of our mothers getting mad at us one day because a meeting they had was cancelled but of course they didn't get the memo because he and I had the phone line tide up ooooops. This was also around the time the two of us started really getting serious. This was around the time I got my first kiss and let me tell you one gentle kiss from that boy and my whole body head to toes would tingle.

 

Hide and Seek

I used to love hide and seek well I still do especially when it is played in the dark. (If you've never played hide and seek in the dark you must do so immediately although my younger sister did break her toe playing this game last year.) The boy and I were about 13 and 14 when we played a game of hide and seek in the dark with our kid siblings. He was "it" and we all ran to hide as he counted to 20. I ran and hid in the closet in his room where everyone else hid I couldn't tell you. Anyway I wasn't up there very long before he found me (to this day I think he cheated because I am the quietest when it comes to hide and seek). True to his gentle loving ways when he found me he didn't yell that I was out, he didn't even tag me, he simple caressed my check and told me how soft it was. This was him, my boy, always gentle always loving no matter his age. He is the one who was always able to make me feel like the most loved cherished young lady on the planet.

The letter....

When we were 11 and 12, I was mad at him because I felt he spent all of his time with his two best friends one of which was my brother who is older than me by a year. I thought he didn't like me anymore like maybe he no longer thought I was pretty. I told my best friend about it and the two of us concocted a plan to make him suffer. We decided I would write him a love letter and then a week later tell him I never meant any of it and that he was stupid to think I actually cared about him. Well I wrote the letter and she delivered it but somehow I never got around to telling him I didn't mean what I had written. I still remember the exact moment I decided I couldn't lie to him as if it were yesterday. My best friend and I were watching as he and his best buddies played catch. I didn't care how mad he made me or how much he hurt my feelings I could never intentionally hurt him.

Little Gentlemanly Ways

I remember always having him as a shoulder to lean and cry on. All growing up he was my rock, my support system. I could tell him anything and he never made me feel stupid only loved. I remember one time in particular his mother was taking a group of us somewhere and the two of us were sitting in the very back of the van. I was telling him about something mean another child had said to me that day. He just looked at me for a minute without saying anything at all then he reached up and rubbed my ear and somehow that little action just made everything better. We were about 6 and 7 then.

Hurt feelings

So we were six and seven walking to chapel (we attended a private Christian school). I asked him if he would sit by me and his response, "No I'm going to sit by Jenna." Me: Why? The boy: "Because her hair is shinier than yours." My little feelings were so hurt. This girls hair was not ok let me tell you it was short and coarse and just plain ew. I still to this day haven't a clue what he could have been thinking. I asked him about it not that long ago and he denies ever saying this but hey I guess that's boys for you. They'll break your heart and carry on with life without missing a beat.

The Beginning

So it all started when the two of us meet at the very young ages of three and four (I know it's just darling right). Almost from the very beginning the two of us were two pees in a pod. We didn't start as friends nor as enemies but we started off loving each other and while yes the love we had for one another was a very differnt love at the tender ages of three and four than the love we share now at the ages of 23 and 24 it was still love. And that love was something special it was something noone could take from us no matter how bad they wanted to or how hard they tried.