Rants of a broken heart

I loved him from the very core of my being. There was not a day that went by that I didn't think of him, dream of him, wish for him. I would have given anything to be in his arms, to be his forever. Sneaking around just to be able to hear his voice wasn't enough it was like thirsting to death day after day and only being given a drop of water on the tip of my tongue. Everytime we talked he told me how much he loved me and distance could never change that and I knew he was telling the truth. I also knew that I didn't want him to hurt like I was hurting. He was in a whole new world where he could go to a real school, play sports, go to prom I couldn't let him not experince life just because I was still in the bubble. About a year after he left I told him I didn't mind if he went to prom and dated and at the time I said it I really didn't mind. However, I quickly began to mind when I saw pictures of him smiling happily with another girl. I didn't have to worry about her for long though, she buried herself when she gave him the ultimatum of me or her. I mean duh did she really think he would pick her.

Breaking Rules....

The hardest part about my love and his family leaving was having to sit and listen to service after service of their name being trashed and having everything his mother and father ever sought counsel for being aired to the congregation. 12 and a half years they were at the church with us; learning, working, and growing along side us but it didn't matter because once you leave your nothing and anything good you did for the church never happened. Unable to abide by the laws which governed the church after a few months we began talking again. The very first time I spoke to him after he left I was consumed with guilt. I wanted desperately to talk to him but the thought of going to hell terrified me. You see talking to him was a sin and people who sin go to hell simple as that. Somehow this was such a huge sin I mean clearly we had been sinning all along but talking to the fallen was inexcusable. Talking to someone who turned their back on us meant you were a traitor. However, growing up I sacrificed countless friendships for my church and my relationship with him wasn't something I was willing to sacrifice.

Cause of death: Broken Heart

I now understand how it is that someone can die from a broken heart because I once was so close to death I could smell it. My heart literally ached and I welcomed the grave at one point in my life. I remember like it was yesterday, standing in the hospitality area of our church and recieveing my sentence of 6yrs to life. It was the day he told me his family was moving 10 hours away. As soon as he said it before I could even form a proper responce a dark cloud began to fall and everything looked dim. It was as if it was the middle of the night in the afternoon. No matter how many lights I turned on or how much I looked at the sun, the world through my forever tearfilled eyes was dark. In our church growing up when someone left the church that meant you had to excommunicate them. So I knew that him leaving would mean our relationship would not just be long distance but it was over.

True to form, always my rock, he held me for the longest time and let me weep on him. The weeks and months that followed were some of the most difficult weeks of my entire life. It was like he had died and I was mourning his death. I layed in bed countless hours every single day just so I could dream of him. Every single time I slept I dreamt of him and that was better than living in reality because I wanted to be wherever he was and at the time he was only in my dreams. My siblings often joke and say I hibernated for a year missing out on eating, socializing, and just plain living. I went into serious depression the day my love walked out of my life but never my heart.